Great tweet

From a friend who was replying back to my tweets of how I'll never find a genuine guy who will want to be in a relationship w/ me...

"I don't think they are the right guy. The dude who deserves to go out with you will love the fact you're vivacious, fun and smart"

Thanks friend, that actually helped perk me up. Sigh, onto the next man I guess ... Forever searching...

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Comparing Christmas

You know what's annoying? When ppl try to compare their Christmas experiences w/ each other as I'd to say oh well spending Xmas w/ x y ands is so much better than doing x y and z. Like who cares how ppl spend their Xmas, as long as ppl are happy, so don't try to compare your experience w/ mine as if to outdo me..there's nothing to outdo!!

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Pining away

It's Christmas day and I've been pining away hoping to get an email from you... I need to get a life.

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Hospital

Back at the hospital, at least this time I'm dealing w/ it better than the last, not hysterical and staying calm. Keep calm, carry on.

Sent from my iPhone

What do you want for christmas?

Experiences. I want to have experiences!!
Cooking classes, kayaking, canoeing, ziplining, snowboarding, hugging a panda. EXPERIENCES!!!!

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Ice

Note to self, nice knee after falling on ice.
Note to self again, ice the same knee immediately after snowboarding.
Note to self x3, don't let a week go by without icing knee b/w fall and snowboarding...

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alcoholic

a says:
whats a struggler

Lambchop @ work says:
a person who is strugglign

Lambchop @ work says:
i am hung over

Lambchop @ work says:
and i wish i was sleeping

a says:
what you do??

a says:
you drinking on a tues?

Lambchop @ work says:
struggling

Lambchop @ work says:
i know

Lambchop @ work says:
was at commodore

Lambchop @ work says:
i had so much to drink

Lambchop @ work says:
3 doubles

Lambchop @ work says:
and then 3 martinis before that

a says:
lush

a says:
your poo going to turn mush

LOL i hope it doesn't... i hope it doesn't turn to stomach lining mush again!

Crazy

Omg He is crazy.

This one's way too complicated and I can't even summarize in an intelligent way so it be point form.

-I can see why your ex thinks you're gay
-just b/c you do things for others in an over excessive way does not automatically mean you are selfless, it means you're expecting that other person to fawn over you b/c of what you think was nice
-do not confuse nice with anything else other than a preen being nice
-if you don't want to get hurt, don't google me and find out things about me or what I've said about your creepiness. You know what's creepy? The fact that you text me hrs later to say what I've said was mean...even though I never told you anything. Dont google if you don't want the truth you nutcase
-just b/c you have an English major doesn't mean you should send texts in the form of soliloquies
-when you go from manic jekyll and hyde tones in your text then yea I will tell you to stop texting me
-why do girls think you're gay? Maybe b/c you haven't shown you have a pair of balls that isn't glazed over in femininity and that you gush over your dog like a goddamn girl w/ no spunk. Absolute turn off, btw, especially when you raise demonstrate how your dog eats as if it's cute. it's not. dogs eat. humans eat. it's a part of life, not a cute feature
-being legally divorce after 2 months IS still fresh, no matter what you say. 8yrs tied to a person is a long freaking time. You don't know how to date, don't use me as your life line

And finally...

-you are an oversenaitive, over the top, type A clinger who is insecure and require constant need and attention. You repulse me, sir. Good luck in life, you will need it

PS-only knew him for a week!

Sent from my iPhone

beautiful

someone called me beautiful last night. ok, it was via text, but i'll take it. what a nice change from being called cute. i don't feel quite comfortable w/ the compliment, but i'll take it. nice, warm, fuzzy feeling... i need those

you're a style/beauty blogge?!

for reals?? b/c... honey, you sure don't dress like you're very fashionable. i'm sorry, but elf boots w/ pleather leggings and a stripped top doesn't really count as fashionable, more like a fashion fail. sorry, i feel a bit flabbergasted that you're taken for reals. you're pretty and can clearly put on make up, but i'm not digging your style. props to you for having your own blog on it though. i just won't be following it.

not quite appropriate

it's the first snowfall of the year. everybody's feaking out. as they should be b/c the ROADS AREN'T SALTED!!!! thanks municipality government. you rock. i digress. my fb profile pic is of me in a bikini on the beach. it just seemed so inappropriate next to everybody's comments about snow every which way lol

It's over...again

Im not a very stokeable person, apparently. Why can't a guy just be so into me? Why does, after 2.5 months he thinks it's moving 'fast' like wth. It's not like we see way other every over day every week. Once, or twice a week. So...it's moving fast? How about guys stop giving me his excuse and stop being so emotionally retarded. I did my crying last night. Now I'm just tired and numb. "the right one will come..." right, or he might not or forever think im loose ends casual and not long term material. I deserve more.

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Popped blood vessel

My Sister the optometrist. Sent her pix of my eye. She said popped blood vessel and asked me to take a photo of it every day for her research and to use a better camera than my iPhone. She asked me if I had been constipated. No... But I was drunk on the weekend and I threw up Saturday night, while hanging almost half way out of a car, not upside down, but far out...and I rubbed my eyes which felt puffy the morning after drunken night. I wonder what her reply will be 'well that wasn't very responsible of you!'

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2 yrs ago

saw old photos of myself from 2008, my 24th birthday ... first impression? wow i was not that attractive back then... at least.. ok i'll phrase it more positively, i've really cleaned up in the last 2 yrs?? and/or long hair suits me WAY better. never cutting it short again!!

debate

is it bad that the mcdonald's hot fudge sundae i just had was more satisfying than the sex i had just before that?

Happy Nov 5

Happy nov 5. You actually owe us $1001 in taxes by nov 22. Yours truely, the Canadian gvt. Fml
So working that extra shift on Saturdays really did me no good and only more harm. I was working not to earn money, but to pay taxes. Awesomesauce.

Sent from my iPhone

My throat tickles

Is it a coincidence, freak of nature, or irony that i could be sick, yet again, after being recovered from tonsillitis only a week? And today was flu shot day at work. I did not man up and get it.

Sent from my iPhone

Realization

Seems to more and more unlikely that one will find true happiness and love w/ another partner and those that too are extremely fortunate and blessed.

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Alcohol

Is bad. Why does it bring out the extra desires w/in us?! I think this is why they say drinking is a 7 sin...b/c it's urging on another sin that can't be good and currently can't be cured as all my options are indisposed gahhhhh

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does corn digest?

b/c i don't think it does. or maybe it doesn't when it's in a giant burrito... but let's just say, i don't think it really does... :( at least not in my stomach...

Injury

What will happen if you spend all day doing it on a lazy, rainy Sunday? Injury... that may have seemed deliciously naughty at the time, but in the morning will really wreck havoc with your body...so take care, take breaks, and ask for a massage. Brought to you by the partners of promiscuous lambchop.

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worrying means nothing

Sagmeister podcast from Vienna Design Week via Dezeen

worrying means nothing. so true, sagmeister, so true...
(via dezeen)

Jesus fuck get off my foot

Good morning, first blog post since getting my new phone, iphone4!! And the first post will be about how my foot just got stepped and pressed on by some 200lb man on the metro. Literally, I had say jesus fuck get off my foot!!! It wasn't a misstep it was full weight in an already sore toes...Jesus f indeed, I hate Monday mornings. Must get coffee if I'm going to survive the next few hrs. I'll be a more positive person after lunch. Promise.

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i just don't want to

if i don't want to do something, i am not going to do it. i will compromise in certain situations, but otherwise, i just don't want to do it.
why can't ppl understand that?
or am i the one in the wrong here? should i give in and just do it? no... when i don't have the desire to do something, it just gets in my head that i absolutely do not want to do it, especially when i don't see the need to.

he wants to go to lunch w/ me

no, unfortunately, it's not a romantic request. it's a request from a director at work. one that i really get annoyed w/ b/c our personalities could not be more... opposite. i find him a tad too contrive and fake, except i know that's how he really is. i just can't fake it anymore. in life, in everywhere. i don't see a need for us to have an hr's lunch together. and quite frankly, i like to spend my lunch time doing nothing things, such as running errands, walking, doing things on my own, watching tennis videos. so... sorry, no i don't want to have lunch w/ you this friday, next monday or any other day. if that offends you, then just realize... it's just business, it's not personal...well maybe a little personal b/c i don't want to get personal w/ you. capisce?!

stubborn and unyielding

i've found out recently i'm quite stubborn and inflexible. i refuse to get up at 8am on a saturday, my day off, to go to the home design show... 8am... even if i do wake up at 8am, it doesn't mean i'm ready to move out of bed and to be up and ready to go... so.. i'm sorry, if i seem like an unyielding and inflexible friend, but sometimes, scheduling just doesn't work out. so.... knowing how annoyed you might feel, i feel YOU should be flexible in your temperament and just chill and realize it's okay if we can't go together.

it's been awhile

it's been awhile b/c that's b/c i now have a new phone and haven't attempted to send blog posts thru it yet... but no worries, i haven't forgotten you, dear blog. lots of little random positive and hate msgs running thru my head. will be continuing blog entries soon :)

your name pls?

so just msged someone i had completely given the cold shoulder to when was dating last ex/guy/buddy. saw him online on the online dating site and apologized for being a jerk and blowing him off completely. i doubt he'll read it and probably just deleted it. regardless, i felt like i needed to apologize as that was not cool of me and i obviously did not have the balls to say ya sorry i'm actually just not interested. for all i know he could reply back and say f u or he might just call me a sorry sob. ... i just hope i got his name right... shiet...

No shame

In crying in the middle of the food court while being comforted by a friend. There's something to be said about not wearing glasses b/c if the world you see is blurry that means they can't really see you right? And therefore cannot see the obvious signs of distress, like being in a blurry bubble...

single for so long

also... when they had been single for sooOooo long and not use to having to constantly nurture or care about another person's feelings and all of a sudden is thrown into a seemingly wonderful caring relationship, they WILL panic. they will feel out of their comfort zone. they will retreat and you shall never capture them again. wild, selfish, lazy beasts.

what it means by slow

when he said he wants to slow it down, take it slow, we've rushed into things, a bit overwhelming. it means, ppl, he does not want to be in a relationship. don't let him fool you. it's not going to be happen. only until that point has reached can you fully relax, not feel anxious about having to please, and second guess yourself.

i'm sick of dating

Beets

Turn your poop...or pee a rasberry red... I thought I had a bowel infection.

Hairless

I can't tell if my director's legs and arms are shaved as he's one of the most smoothest skin, hairless big strapping male I've seen...it scares me. Reminds me of a ken doll.

Don't touch me

Pet peeve. When ppl don't mind their space when sitting next to me on the train. I don't care if you're bigger, tuck your elbows in b/c feeling your hairy arm touch mine grosses me out. Think of the invisible divider b/w our seats as a force field...that will taze you if you don't mind. your. SPACE!!!

watch her pose

this is a video of super model coco rocha (CANADIANNN HOLLAAHHH or EH?!!?) modeling in reuben's apartment w/ reuben's sketching her at the same time... amazing.

watch her pose in this video... there's something about the way she moves, that's so fluid, natural, it literally took my breath away b/c when you see the final photos you realize, how much work it takes to create a beautiful image, yet it looks effortless when she does it!

via coco

Old ppl

Old chinese ppl are quicker than you think! A couple beat me to a seat on the train...mofos

Don't push me

And if you push me out of your way to exit the train and I mean try to walk right thru me, then don't be so surprised if I call you fat cunt cow... Just saying...

Dear google blogspot

Pls make your blogspots more blackberry mobile friendly for the browser...it would be MUCH appreciated. Danke
PS remove the bloody recaptcha tool!!!

Commenting difficulties...

Just so you know, commenting on your blog requires me to fill in those silly recaptcha forms, you know, where the words look silly and squiggly to make sure you're not some auto-generated spammer typing stuff... And oh ya I do it on my blackberry of all things! Can't tell if it's an epic fail or a major feat of ball scrolling and typing on a tiny input type box hehe

Closure

Started talking to an ex again, one from last fall...got some closure on how that ended. Admittedly, I was unrealistic w/ the situation, he was leaving and I was looking for a relationship. Then again, he was extremely distant and not returning any iota of affection that I would put out. The good feeling came when he said he knew he had something great, but lost it. I know that was a small blip in life, but it's nice to know that it isn't all in my head and one sided when I show affection and emotion to ppl.

Drinks

I'm not a drunk, but I can see why this glorious drunk buzz is greatly desired. I. feel..good...

Sighhh

Of relief as I get to sit down on the last 1/3 of the trip into work. Skyrocket heels and standing on a rocky train don't really mix...but they're so pretty and I feel tall!!

British vibe plays tennis!

Omg...I really want to turn around and project my tennis/british enthusiasm onto them... Too much? Maybe I should work on that overwhelming smothering vibe I've got going on...

British vibe

There are some super hot british guys standing behind me in the lunch line. They look like GQ superstars. I'm drooling, which doesn't help w/ the existing hunger pains.

Slow it down

So we had "the talk" b/c I felt he was being distant and I had no idea why...he said he wants to slow it down, as in...I don't know what...I do know it means not seeing anyone else, but I think it also means I can't think of him as "my guy" quite yet...will be hard to start again or go backwards...
Should be good for us as we know each other well via email and msging, but like he says that's not quite real as we barely know each other face to face... Urgh

In case you didn't know

A drug store pregnancy test is only 150 pts at shoppers, but feels like 1.5million pounds in nerves on my shoulders.

Oh and it was negative. At least for today... Fml where's my period?!

virgo traits

" However, even if the Virgo's house or office is not always in perfect order, you can be sure that they still know where to instantly find whatever they need, despite it being hidden in a pile somewhere."

this is exactly me!!!! that's why i tell ppl don't touch my mess b/c then i can't find anything after!!! should put this on a post it note whenever my mum feels the need to tidy my room when i'm away on holidays!

dedicated to the current

ok, so the last post was quite bitter and i don't want it to seem like i'm not happy now b/c it's far from it. so this post is dedicated to the man in my life now. emphasis on MAN. he's... older, but is out going, likes to have fun, can hold a conversation, is smart, is adventurous, is kind, is not the complete over the top openly affectionate type... so i've learned to rein it in, but whilst he's on vacation, he has shown or said, how he feels about me and i feel confident, that though it's not proclaimed to the world, it has been shown to his friends, whom he considers his family, that i am someone he is.. seeing? dating? it hasn't been defined, but to define it now w/ him, to have that conversation almost seems contrite, not necessary... i feel i know where i am w/ him, so that's good and after learning from the last relationship, i AM a bit more cautious w/ my feelings, but nonetheless i can barely contain my emotions sometimes. this is the longest run on sentance, but i seem to be writing from some part of me that feels emotionally stronger than i was 4 months ago. call it maturity? no... but maybe finally realizing what's actually reality and what makes me really happy and content.

anyway, getting preachy. but ya i am happy. he seems pretty awesome. i throw the 'seems' b/c i don't want to jinx what i may think is true? i'm over-analyzing? ya i know haha

it's weird. we've spent more time apart than we have together. i guess that's what happens when you meet someone during the peak holiday season? despite it all, we already have plans to get away together for my bday weekend which i'm looking forward to. 6 more days until he is home. :o)

which is it

i can't tell if i'm disgusted by how whipped he is, or if i'm secretly jealous of his public outpouring, by that i mean fb, of affection for her, and still stinging that i never meant that way to him... but seeing as how openly whipped he is, maybe i'm not so jealous and more disgusted by it? not to say i'm dissatisfied in my own relationship, in which case i guess you'd ask then why care about the ex? i don't care about him, but maybe...ya i'm still slightly smarting from the fb overtures of how much you are madly in love w/ this 20 yr old... is it a reflection upon me that i was a horrible gf? actually, it feels more like that was a life time ago and i barely remember the 'good times' and the fact that you can't be mature enough w/ me, your ex, b/c you worry what your 20 yr old current gf might think? tells me you still have a lot to grow in dealing w/ ppl and relationships... so... on one hand no, i so don't want you back and i see now that we were only just passerby's in each other's life for a brief moment in time, having fun, but ... on the other, i am still kind of smarting that i fell so hard for you and realized how you never treated me the way i should've been treated, as i see it happening w/ a girl you like/love/whatever.
i was just your whatever, otherwise known as a rebound. i wish i had never let myself get so attached to you, i can't even remember those feelings, all that's left is this slightly stinging of feeling... used and ... rejected. f... you...

lol

lol b/c i did a little inadvertent fb stalking... ok maybe a little deliberate, but was curious and kind of bored... lol you "love" her? and also declared it on her fb wall? what's more pathetic? you, young one who've only been dating her for 2 months knowing you "love" her (btw was in a "relationship" w/ her for only 2 weeks after you ended it w/ me) or me for fb stalking on someone's wall where i shouldn't have been?
i'm going to lean towards ME... BUT i did LOL when i saw the "love you more" on the wall. like seriously? i was soooo your rebound. i'm not bitter, but ... just laughable that's all. sigh. anyyywayyyy good luck w/ that, kid.

Frustrating

Just a tad, when the guy I'm seeing is not an extrovert affectionate person, yet does display actions of caring and liking me. It all feels so contrary, but I mean when he takes off for 3 weeks on holidays and gives me the keys to hisplace, I'm helping w/ mail pick up, I'd say that's a big sign of trust eh?
But when he says I'm silly and a goofball for being slightly teary and sad at the goodbye hug at the airport, and points out it's only for a few weeks and he is returning, and that he and I've only been together a few weeks, I can't help but feel well.. So ... Am I just being over dramatic?
It's clear that my often displays of PDA makes him slightly uncomfortable, but he said it's not a bad thing.
I can't change how I show emotion and he can't change how he...doesn't really, so where/what does that leav me?
Content w/ the actions such as...already meeting mutual friends, slept over at his place several times, take comfort in knowing he likes to cuddle me when sleeping, and is extremely receptive to want to have sexy times w/ me?
I guess right? What more could I ask for?
Maybe I need to learn to reign in my inner eager puppiness, I have learned that only 1% of guys would really "get" it lol
Plus, the last thing I want is to scare him away. But... It's me so he better get use to it lol
Sigh

Always a compliment

When airport security acknowledges you're a well seasoned traveller, when they see your belongings well organized in the boxes that go thru xray check :)

Fail

I just left a boy's house w/ my shorts on inside out and quietly snuck into my house...

Disgusting

Guy sitting in front of me, on canada line train w/ no shoes on. Absolutely disgusting. Show some decorum you filthy beast

Willing the inner londoner to stay on

Trying not to spout "awesome"...it really does sound awful when it's said over there, so many more words I can use in lieu of it. Must hang on "british vocab" for as long as I can. Cannot get "dumb" down to canadian slowness or alexxi will beat the crap out of me.

Home...

Not quite home an hour and already missing london. Everything here just feels so nahhh and slow...

Make it go away

Urgh I just wish random memories wouldn't float back to my mind. Like after the first month when he said he was confused, I should've just ended it. I wish the chemistry wasn't so good, at least on my end, so I could just be indifferent right now.
I figure hate does no good b/c that means I'm holding on to something. I just wish these damn memories of him would go away. This whole city reminds me of him, doesn't help that he lived 5 mins away from me and almost everything we did revolves around a good 15km of my regular daily life.
This isn't positive or helpful thinking, but I feel like I either prepped him for his next gf, he was barely tolerating acting like my bf, or he was already or having feelings for this other girl..or a combination of all 3. I don't feel as bad as I did in the beginning, but still a bit...insecure about it all. F him. Blahh

Italian disappointment

Italian day was a bust. Not just b/c of the rain, but it just ended up being a super congested street w/ restos and stores that are normally open, w/ super long line ups. Was expecting a rousing game of futbol in the streets or something other than just hippy dippy street vendors and bongo drums.
However, the highlight came when dolce vita came out of the speakers and when I realized it was a live opera singer on stage. That was sensational.

In heat

And thinking about him...and then started going crazy thinking about him w/ her. I'm bordering on edge of obsessive... F

I love PDA

But not other ppl's PDA when I'm single and w/ a bit small cracked, but healing heart. Damn you, cute couple in the corner...

Imagining

Every time I'm on the train for hom I think I might see "him"...almost hoping to? What would I say or do if I ever ran into him. I think a small, very small part of me is holding a light that he might...talk to me again. Fml.
Doesn't even want to be friends. F U! :(

The jamaican

I had dinner tonight w/ the jamaican architect tonight. I guess you could call it a date. Walking by the water and then japanese dinner at ebisu. The more I talk to him the more I am starting to understand him b/c he does have an accent and sometimes there's some clarification needed on slang and jokes, but not all the time.

We had a nice time walking along the water after dinner. After some friend hugs, he tried to pull me for a kiss! I don't know, I kind of panicked and gave him my cheek...I don't have "those" feelings yet, I mean I enjoy his company, but I'm not ready to lead him on w/ a kiss thinking I want to. Oh shit, is this what my ex felt like w/ me??

Anyway, I guess we'll see how it goes w/ the jamaican...he use to be a junior pro tennis player so...I kind of want to make sure I get to play w/ him to improve my car. Horrible right?! I'm not using him for tennis, I do have a nice timebut I'm not feeling the I want him to F me. Which...is extremely important to me to have that chemistry...or maybe I'm just a nymph and I should learn how "normal" feelings are suppose to develop.

Girl on platform

There's a girl to the right of me on the train platform and she has a fab outfit. I had a scott shulman (sp??) Satorialist moment where I wanted to photograph her. She had this perforated thick cotton tank w/ a fabulous cropped militaryesque navy jacket and wonderful wavy curly hair...sigh...

angry

i guess this was triggered from seeing his new profile pic in fb. it's all i can see b/c i de-friended him. it's a pic of him and his new gf, taking a photo together in front of his mirror. he is kissing the top of her head w/ what looks to be loving gesture while she takes a photo of them. i know i know i have to stop looking at it, but i can't help but feel cheated and angry all at the same time. he never even 'showed me off' when we were dating like that. never showed me the consideration or was proud of the fact that i was his gf, on fb. granted it's fb so who cares as long as he had treated me well, but... i feel angry.

i feel angry that i celebrated his birthday w/ him, that i cooked him a nice meal, that i spoiled him w/ his favourite things on his birthday. i know i didn't have to do that, but i wanted to. i don't know if any of it was appreciated. i don't know if our dating history was even appreciated.
i feel like he took advantage of the fact that things were comfortable and i was willing to be this doting gf and he didn't appreciate it, especially right up to the end. i'm angry that he started dating someone new so soon after he broke up w/ me, that he declared on fb that he was already in a relationship w/ someone else. i'm angry b/c i think he had feelings for this girl while dating me. i'm angry that i wasted my time w/ him. i'm angry that i've let him hurt me. i'm angry that this still affects me. i'm angry that he said let's be friends and then negated on that promise. i don't care if that's what one says but never means it. i'm just angry. i feel used and discarded. i think i might hate him, which would be a lot easier to handle than to still pine after someone who didn't appreciate me enough.

i'm angry.

Friends

Why were you so adamant we be friends after and then say no sorry we can't...you selfish bastard. How about sticking to your promises or stop giving hopeful ones. You've hurt me. so... bad..you have no idea

I wish I was over you by now

..Maybe I'm not b/c I want those feelings that ihad w/ you to come back regardless of who it may be with...or maybe b/c I genuinely missed you.
You've made it clear you want nothing to do w/ me...not even friends, something YOU had said you wanted...you broke that promise and so now it feels like you broke up, rejected me twice and for whatever reason I can't seem to just forget it all...sigh fuck...

I want

To just kiss someone passionately and hard. Right...now...

Looking for...

NOT a 40 year old guy to date. Seriously, what was he thinking? It'd be like dating my bosses at work. Gross.

I miss him

I miss him. Will I find another who actually appreciates me?

Wish it was him

Saw a city waterworks truck by work, was hoping one of the crewmen was him. It was not...wanted a glimpse and to say hey. Guess I'm not fully over him and am very glad I don't have him on fb otherwise I'd be creeping on it all the time...urgh need to just forget him! Gah

What did make me feel better was when I told a guy friend why I had to bail on sunday, the day I found out he has a new gf and pronounced it to the world via fb (which, btw he never did w/ me), my friend was outraged for me. He said woha are you kidding me? Omg so awful. That's not cool, there's a certain amount of protocol to follow, not cool. So...in some small way that made me feel better that somehow I feel less bad how it all ended, that I was tragically crying in front of him when I found out. some of my pride got saved when my friend said that what he did wasn't cool. I mean, he broke up w/ me so ya he can do whatever he wants? But sure I'll take small comfort in knowing that what he didn't was up to the "bro standard"

Struggling

With forgetting about him. Obsessed much? Maybe. I think I'm just struggling w/ getting over him b/c I still have feelings and am attracted to him...and I keep thinking about him and his new gf and knowing how sweet and affectionate he can be I'm green w/ envy that she gets to be the recipient of his affections. I'm also sad it's not me. Get over I know, I want to, I just don't know how. I'm thinking I need a rebound, but apparently they're a bit hard to find.
Sigh. I miss him

this was sent to me

hi, im a single! im downtown
vancouver. how is your night
going? we should talk on webcams.

i am white, 5'11", 185 pounds,
blue eyes, brown hair.

Learn some english

Got this from a pof guy in my inbox:
"wanna chat it up or something and um wondering if u cud help me with chinese message thats if your comp translates it since mine doesnt"

Wtf?!? I was gonna reply back and say maybe you need help w/ your english first before attempting another language...idiot. I didn't, I did delete it though.

having a problem

w/ the whole self confidence issue. seeing him post "pretty :)" on another asian girl's photo...guts me. sure, he's said tons of times to my face he thinks i am pretty, but seeing him say it to another girl who is asian who is korean whom he probably wants to date... guts me. having a self-confidence issue b/c i don't feel very pretty right now, i don't feel very sexy. i just feel dejected and undesired and stupid and desperate and horrible. hope to feel better tomorrow.

Things I'd want to say to you

But am thinking there's no point b/c it won't do anything other than give me some sense of satisfaction of getting it all off my chest. But that's why there's my blog!

#1 - I know you've been busy, but if you still want to be friends w/ me you're gonna have to make some effort, schedule a time to meet up. B/c if I keep asking every time and keep getting rejected (for a legit reason) then it'll feed my insecurities of not being wanted...

#2 - I don't want to become one of your little asians in your list of "possibles." I would hope I hold greater significance than those randoms.

#3 - was it all a lie? All that affection you bestowed on me, was it a lit, were you faking it? If you didn't feel romantic feelings then what the heck was that? I guess I'm baffled and more...confused and hurt by that.

#4 - I wish you saw the value in me b/c you missed out. I wish you were more mature to appreciate it. I wish...things were different.

#5 - I don't care if you say you never wanted to hurt me or that telling me a month ago abt how you were feeling should've been a warning, that should alleviate the pain. Well it doesn't. And yes you did hurt me. Greatly. You left me confused and lost. You hurt me like I had been punched in the gut and left to die. So I hope you have a happy life and evetually find what you're looking for b/c apparently what I am was not.

Fml

Today's horoscope

From the daily Metro:

"Try not to be too pushy today. You could easily go over the top. If people seem to be avoiding you if could be because they are scared of you."

Oh good...so I scare ppl, that's just great. At least that's some definite sign that tells me I should not text him today. Let him come to me if he wants. I'm glad the Metro's reminding me to keep the crazy at bay, b/c I certainly need it.

you knew

you knew you'd break up w/ me... you let me have a happy wknd and when you broke up w/ me it felt like a truck ran over me.
even though i knew down the line a break up or something was going to happen, but i was holding out hope that you'd somehow see how awesome it is to be w/ me. apparently, you saw that, but it was still not enough. WTF.

no more

spent my saturday chasing him down via text and phone b/c he said we'd go to the driving range this wknd. though he also said it before i drunkenly declared that i wanted to have post break-up sex w/ him... um ya. anyway i have a feeling he was avoiding me today especially when he said ya ya i'll call you later after the ufc, we might go clubbing or whatever... well i never got that text, phone call etc. instead i stayed in saturday night hoping i'll get the word. fell asleep watching the office instead and now it's about 5am and i'm on fb. the other girl he met at the same time as me (but choose me) has been msging him on his fb wall. nothing bad, but i can't view that shit. i've deleted everything he's ever said to me on my fb wall and vice versa. deleted the photos off of fb. kept the more artsy ones on flickr. but i can't have that shit in my face reminding me of 'happy' memories only to have him break up w/ me 3 weeks later after. so i guess this is a good step in eradicating him from my life. ppl say i can't hang out w/ him it's no good. i believe them. so... ball's in his court if he really wants to hang out w/ him. i'm done pining after something that is not there. i deserve more than this. and i want to stop crying and feeling sad all the time. depression is a bitch.

glee quote

"Why does everybody think i'm angry all the time?! it's called being sasssssy, my schu!" - glee. love it.
and a line i should use when ppl say I sound angry! i'm NOT i'm just being sasssy and emphasizing syllables!

That song from the top gun bar scene

"I've lost that loving feeling..." You know the one, well HE (exbf) certainly did didn't he OR he THOUGHT he had it and it never really around... I'm AWESOME and it's YOUR lost!!

I'm single

Again. My bf dumped me monday night. Needless to say I cried all night long and the next day at work.
He's just not that into me, literally. Doesn't feel the same way abt me as I do for him, ohoh BUT he does think I am an "amazing" and awesome" gf, he feels super comfortable w/ me and has fun hanging out w/ me. So... We're doing what you call, let's be friends.

Tried that last night, had fun...until I ended up crying in front of him... Sigh. We'll see how long I last. REALLy trying to just forget it's all over and focus on being his friend, b/c I really would likto. I know, I should forget and take a break, but I can't just go cold turkey right now.

Fml

Things I currently hate

the power tripping, green jkt wearing, canada line workers

waiting in the rain for my bus

insecure that shit

my female sensibilities feel extremely threatened w/ a new female, PRETTY asian female in our office area...

Tools

I seem to be working w/ a bunch of clueless tools today. My patience is the same as usual and maybe even more tolerable than usual which makes me think ppl are bigger tools than usual. Maybe it's the sun that's affecting their brain. Tools.

YOU. are. awesome

like a possum

"On my way to work today, I thought about how sad it is that my future kids will never experience a mixed tape.

That’s it - no kids."

via shirls

Advice from a friend...

Well then just keep dating for now and see what happens.. But I mean put up a bit of a gaurd though cuz I don't want him to break u :( but I know that's not how u work.. U are all or nothing lol

‎​Trust ur gut

‎​It is always right..

‎​Your heart just messes it up sometimes..

Le sigh...she is right. ... F my heart. Sadface

40km

My bf just bought a place in poco. PO COOOOO
40km each.way... And we've only been dating a month. My little comfort bubble has shattered and am now in a bit of panic, but will try acting "normal" so I don't drive him away.
Fml

Digest much?

Yesterday's lunch, potato mushroom thyme soup, didn't digest well... Actually thyme, did not digest at all. FYI. Watch what you eat cause you might see it again. No pun intended.

Smooth as butter

Got a brand new keyboard at work b/c my old one was so dirty. New keyboard sooo smooth like typing on butter. My BB cover on the other hand feels like sticky honey, and no I'm not going to see if it tastes like it either.

Ugly hate

I guess if my job entailed standing at the top of an escalator checking ticket fares, w/ an ass that huge and a face that ugly I'd have an attitude too.

How unfortunate

Girl in front of me is wearing her coat w/ the giant beige alarm tag still on it.

I wonder if she sets off alarms everywhere she goes.

Tea

Is tea a euphemism for something else? B/c I just got asked to go over to someone's house for tea. That someone is a boy that I went on a f2f meet from an online site, this was ages ago, like over a month ago, still have him on msn as random chitchat. I told him I had plans w/ my bf. It's weird to say that out loud, that I, single after 3 yrs, have a bf. Almost don't want to jinx it. Some might say it's too soon and rushed if they knew it's only been 3 weeks, but seeing each other every day for a week could almost be spread out to weeks worth of dating so really, everything's happening organically and genuinely. No false pretences. We just really like each other.

Elle's boobs

Elle macpherson has the same boob size as me yet on her, they look way bigger. Wtf.

photo via from fashionologie.com

The best note ever

"Will you be my GF?"

so close yet so far

I SOOOO was there, well 30 mins away, but i could've gone and perused in all it's glory!
http://www.alessi.com/en/stores/news/alessi-apre-il-primo-temporary-shop-329

and now it's gone. so close, yet so far.

Cougar

I met a 21 soon to be 22 year old on the online dating site.
He originally had his profile as 25 and after we got to talking on msn he revealed his true age is actually 21. Wtf. Apparently, he is sick of meeting only the 18+ year olds, he said he wanted to meet someone older, b/c most likely, if he puts his age at 21 he won't ever meet any one older than that as we can indicate what age of guys can contact us. So... How interesting right? Anyway, after my shock and recover, I thought ok... Ok well he does seem quite mature for his age so I have to give him that...

Anyway, I met him f2f the other day, and the first thought that came to my mind when I first saw him was omg I'm meeting a 21 year old b/c I can't seem to find nice guys around my own age!! And that he has nice forearms. I do like the forearms.
So he seems really sweet, genuine. Going out again saturday for a stroll downtown.

I always like the beginning of these things b/c it's exciting and fun. Until ppl reveal their true natures and then it's work not fun anymore. It's also where I usually get disappointed, I just hope this time it won't occur so quickly and in such a 180 fashion.

Sorry, but not really

Ok, so I was super rude about a girl you always tell me you're fucking. A girl who has an unfortunate sequence of events that happens in her life, but also a girl you yourself has said is a mess. You conveniently like her when it suits you, you fuck her when you want. So...sorry, if I snapped and actually said the truth. That I don't care about her, don't know her and that she disgusts me whenever you talk about her. Of ALL the times I've held back my judgement, this is the only time I've ever actually said how I felt, which came off super rude and over the top. Well I guess I apologize for my tone and how it came off, that it was uncalled for, but honestly, not for the words, b/c I still feel th same.
Next time I'll just bite my tongue.

Has he accepted my apology, which came off as sincere? Not sure. But I guess we'll see if he ever msgs or calls me again. If he doesn't, then I guess he was never really a friend.

Hurt and lies

So, you've chased me hard, you've had me open up when I wanted to keep my guard up, you told me you hope this turns into something awesome, you've told me you didn't want casual... So instead you've got silent and become the second Matt who's done a complete 180 and is giving me the cold shoulder.

WTF

So sick of lies, of words that don't mean anything, of ppl pretending to be genuine when they're not. Sick of lies, sick of being used as some crutch.

FML

Response to the question

"It just seems like things are moving very fast. It sketches me out a bit. You know?"

F U

Don't be a twat and grow some balls man

Question

"Just wondering why you're not so chatty or inquisitive as you first were, and if anything was wrong" - me asking boy who broke down my protective defences and made me like him despite me being cautious lest I get myself in another situation of where I'm being toy'd with.

Potential answer: Maybe it's b/c you"ve fucked me and you're done w/ the chase?! Fucker
Will wait real answer today...

Monday morning

"Brush your hair" - mum
"I did!!" - me

Sadface

Get a new horoscope

Apparently, my chinese lunar horoscope for this year is to be a good girl and to listen to mum all the time. So says my mum. I've been that 3/4 of my life, how about a new horoscope this year, eh?

Advice

My dad just gave me tips on how to walk in my high heels...

Bad

I should stop texting the wrong ppl by accident.. And by ppl I mean the WRONG guys ...

Now that's a first in awhile

HE texted me! W/ out any provocation from me! Nice... Do I care? /shrugs... I feel good, but I'm definitely not counting on him.

v-day

dear cupid,

valentine's day is in 10 days. clock's ticking. hope to it. where's my man?! don't be an epic fail.

How 'bout this for a profile page?

Looking for a good, with a slight bad boy edge, attractive, good personality, clean hygiene, likes to play sports or be active who will worship the ground I walk on, but will tell me when I'm crazy?

LOL

My friend just texted me this: "Just had lame sex"

LOL.

"looking for depth"

haha is the first line from some guy from the online dating site, my first thought? "you won't find it here..." i.e. me i.e. the online dating site... haha jk, i don't put myself down THAT badly, but thought it was funny...

no more viagra

please... please no more viagra spam in my main email box. i am not a man and i am 25. should i get a sex change and can't get it up when i'm 65+ i'll give you a call.

Cry at work is ok

My HR dept is pretty cool. I can just walk in and cry if I need to...which is exactly what I did. No, not about boys, but just frustrated at myself for not being a quick learner, at not understanding data analysis... It's like learning java in school...where I failed. And cried in front of the teacher...

late night boys

why can't a late night visit with a boy ever be platonic? EVER?! or just have platonic intentions. it's like some law in the universe, but it's a law i don't completely agree with b/c it's never my intention to just jump him. my intentions are virginal, honest, and conversational. fml.

boys are trouble

trouble like cops. i've said this before, but saying it again b/c it's so true and if i vent in here i won't go as crazy if i vent in real life... it's ok... i just have to be patient and slowly persistent until door is completely slammed in my face. please don't let it be slammed while my heart's on the other side. not the love heart, but the lusty heart. either one broken hurts.

this is pretty damn dope

the width is cut off a bit on the right on my monitor, you'll probably have to watch this on the actual site.

what does he want?!

he got his sex. does he want more? only time will tell.

i got my sex. i want more. more of mind and body. slowly going mental, but not as quickly as a couple of weeks ago.

WANTED:

A nice, attractive boy who isn't crazy busy and has the time to pursue me b/c he thinks I'm that awesome.

fear

biggest fear. he (any he) thinks i am crazy and he's not all that far off from the truth. urgh... ahhhh...

Drunk

And really want to fuck guy who doesn't want me but only b/c I know how...strong...he is. Fml. He's never going to call. Fucker. I'm AWESOMEEEE you lose.

Hung over

To the max. Oh god it hurts. Red wine is a beast. Was fine one second, the next, I'm down beside the toilet and getting sick. I'm pretty sure two gfs carried me out. I'm just so classy that way.

Will soon be drunk

YES DRINKING!!!!! Never has drinking given me such a course of elation coursing thru my body.
Drinking drinking drinking w/ ladies. Halleluah.

The support of friends

"You should send a msg confronting him. Say "if you don't want to see me, or you don't think it is going to work, then be a man and say it instead of hiding behind a phone""

Hah the real don't give a fuck lamb would, but feeling the way I do now, can't make myself sound like a total biatch right now...

The bad won out

Fml. I just texted him when I should've just let it be... Nothing bad, just that I hope he has a good friday and a break this wknd. Sigh... Fml

Should I make this edit on my profile?

"Looking for someone to hang out with, to have fun, to be playful with. I hate games, so if you want to date, let's do this. Don't fuck w/ my head or my emotions b/c I'm incredibly loyal. Thru my own fault have expected the same reactions from ppl so when you turn cold b/c you're playing some game I will be a messed up, retarded puppy"

You know... Just saying and all... Hah I guess I'll just stick w/ what's ready on there.

maybe he's a little interested??

so i called. couldn't help it, but just had to do one more thing and i would've said something like oh my phone was having issues with texts etc. anyway, that little white lie doesn't matter b/c he never picked up, but he did text back soon after saying he was in the library, hw, super stressed from school, tmr night might not be awesome, but he's gonna try to do as much tonight as possible so... so there's hope right?

put me out of my misery. please.

He's just not that into you

I am so that girl he's just not that into you...except he was interested...very much so. Which makes my predicament all the more confusing. Silence is a cold and sad friend. As is desperation and bewilderment.

Pain

Stomach expanding from intestines inflammed w/ air...so. Much. Pain... Gasping w/ breath. But not enough pain to get up and do something about it. Well, more like crippled w/ it... Oh my snuffle bears, pls use your wonderful soft stuffed bellies to soothe mine!
Urghhj

yay he texted back!

enough said.

Urgh what to do?!

Ya if the roles were reversed I'd definitely the guy's crazy, but luckily he doesn't know my mental state of mind or how anxious I'm feeling.
Urgh should I go out w/ radiohead guy? I wasn't wow'd by our convo and I'm surprise he was enough to text me back asking to go see a movie. All signs point to no I really don't want to, so how should I decline? Just say no? I'm busy? Fuck so harsh if that happens to me.

Fml

Having a major f'ing nervous breakdown. An exaggeration, but feel highly anxious. Why can't this misery just take me out already? Why do I have to continue down this path of torment. Why do I even care?! Fml.
Fml. And now it was the tall radiohead guy who just texted...not the one I want. Like karma kicking me in the ass.
Fml.
I don't even like him.

F Me

F. Me. I just did it. I texted him. All casual and such, just a "hey how's your monday been etc"
If I truely do not hear back anything by tues night, well I guess game over for reals?? Game over for me at least.
Fml.
I don't know why I couldn't control it, but I just...had to do it. Felt like I had to keep up the lines of communication so he remembers I'm alive!
Fml.
Fmlfml so game over... And the panic ensues...

Save my soul

And text me!!!

I've been mandated not to text him anymore. I was casual in my last one and if he wants to genuinely see me he'll damn well get a hold of me. So no texting from me.

Waiting for his text feels like it will save my soul so I don't go crazy.

calma...

okay, so right before i played tennis, he did text me back. i just have to relax... stay calm... don't obsess (hah good luck on that). seeing as how he's vague on when the next date is, i better just relax my ass.... as my friend advices... i just... don't know how. gawd i just wanna be back in his arms! hothothothot...

cry of anguish

WHY HASN'T HE GOTTEN BACK TO MEEEEEEEE
it's been a whole day and NO replies back to 2 texts. wtf is wrong or how hard is it to text someone back esp. when you were so liberal about it before?!??! wtf did i do wrong? oh sorry i gave you a bj but you and i both know you enjoyed it and i did it b/c i wanted to. so if that f'in scared you off then you're a big weeny! literally.

SUCKSBALLS why can't something awesome just work in my favor and why do i always give so much, literally, why can't it just work out and why can't someone just want me for me?! FFFFFffffffffff going absolutely crazy crazy crazy crazy..... like a kicked, distraught, whiny, sad little puppy.

I get around

Not in a promiscuous way, but I had 3 dates in the past 24ish hour. One was a 2nd date and ended in the heat of passion...too soon? I jumped the gun so to speak? Whatever, I can't control it, if it's there why wait.

The 2nd was w/ a tall, nerdy, guy in a coffee shop. A bit awkward, conversation didn't flow as easily as I would've liked as I've had it better before. And just... It almost felt like a waste of time. Too bad b/c he seemed like a winner when we were emailing each other. Will probably not want to hang w/ him again.

The 3rd, I just finished. We grabbed some coffee and walked around the seawall. That one was nice. Good convo, didn't feel awkward, he could have a conversation. New to town, so just meeting new ppl to hang out. Will probably go out w/ him again, but in a platonic way, movie etc. Someone to do something w/ around town.

So all hope is w/ guy #1. Apparently all guys categorise girls as one thing or another... A good girl or one who just sleeps around. I hope, b/c of 2nd night, he doesn't think am the latter b/c I really like him. So in my current obsess state I've texted him, w/ the advice of my friend, to just let him know that things have skipped ahead quickly and that I'm excited about it, but would like to go on a proper date soon like a movie etc... I hope he gets back to me. I know I know if he doesn't, his loss, but doesn't help w/ the insecurities.
I haven't heard back from him post last night which is why I feel a bit unnerved...
Sigh

This is weird

When you're having a conversation w/ someone, in a coffee shop, and a random stranger chimes in at least 4 different times and not w/ something quick and witty, but w/ their own anecdotes. WHO ARE YOU?!? And why are you involving yourself when you're clearly a stranger? Didn't even look like a bum, just looked like another random single mum w/ a bad taste in fashion.

So try having that happen while having the first f2f w/ a guy who's voice is quite booming and sounds a bit like a loud cartoon character. I'm going to assume it's b/c of his height, that his diaphragm must exert a lot of energy to get the audio out.

I feel like an orange

So I texted , email you last. And you told me to add you to fb and finally you accepted the request and since you've been back I haven't received any "hey how are you" emails or texts. Not even a follow up from the first f2f with a movie that you promised.
And I saw that you added several other girls to fb.

I think I'm being compared like an orange with other oranges.

Well I'm no orange!!

And as alexxi would say, I'm no orange I'm a pear just like my bears... B/c that rhythms better.

Dear crazy old lady on the train

Shut up. It's morning. Talk crazy during non rush hours, pls. Danke

Envy

Sigh, I have envious loins right now. I won't go into detail as to who I am envious of, but it's not hate envy, it's oh sigh romantic my loins are envy.
I think it's going to be a romance novel night, tonight.

a little abrupt

but to the point is good, i guess. just weird when it comes from a complete stranger.

"Listen, we could email correspond for years until both of our skin starts to get
saggy and lawn bowling starts to seem like a real sport, but I'm a busy guy so let's
have a normal conversation on the phone like regular people. What's your phone #
and when's a good time to reach you?"

the "i'm a busy guy..." threw me off... a bit of a fuck you moment, but i'm curious enough that i gave him my number. we'll see how it goes.

"...on the phone like regular people..." ya except i'm not regular and being on the phone kind of unnerves me. i'm more of a texter, but i guess attempting to have a 'real' conversation may help me improve my own curt way of communication...

malauenga

love. this. song.