Italian disappointment

Italian day was a bust. Not just b/c of the rain, but it just ended up being a super congested street w/ restos and stores that are normally open, w/ super long line ups. Was expecting a rousing game of futbol in the streets or something other than just hippy dippy street vendors and bongo drums.
However, the highlight came when dolce vita came out of the speakers and when I realized it was a live opera singer on stage. That was sensational.

In heat

And thinking about him...and then started going crazy thinking about him w/ her. I'm bordering on edge of obsessive... F

I love PDA

But not other ppl's PDA when I'm single and w/ a bit small cracked, but healing heart. Damn you, cute couple in the corner...

Imagining

Every time I'm on the train for hom I think I might see "him"...almost hoping to? What would I say or do if I ever ran into him. I think a small, very small part of me is holding a light that he might...talk to me again. Fml.
Doesn't even want to be friends. F U! :(

The jamaican

I had dinner tonight w/ the jamaican architect tonight. I guess you could call it a date. Walking by the water and then japanese dinner at ebisu. The more I talk to him the more I am starting to understand him b/c he does have an accent and sometimes there's some clarification needed on slang and jokes, but not all the time.

We had a nice time walking along the water after dinner. After some friend hugs, he tried to pull me for a kiss! I don't know, I kind of panicked and gave him my cheek...I don't have "those" feelings yet, I mean I enjoy his company, but I'm not ready to lead him on w/ a kiss thinking I want to. Oh shit, is this what my ex felt like w/ me??

Anyway, I guess we'll see how it goes w/ the jamaican...he use to be a junior pro tennis player so...I kind of want to make sure I get to play w/ him to improve my car. Horrible right?! I'm not using him for tennis, I do have a nice timebut I'm not feeling the I want him to F me. Which...is extremely important to me to have that chemistry...or maybe I'm just a nymph and I should learn how "normal" feelings are suppose to develop.

Girl on platform

There's a girl to the right of me on the train platform and she has a fab outfit. I had a scott shulman (sp??) Satorialist moment where I wanted to photograph her. She had this perforated thick cotton tank w/ a fabulous cropped militaryesque navy jacket and wonderful wavy curly hair...sigh...

angry

i guess this was triggered from seeing his new profile pic in fb. it's all i can see b/c i de-friended him. it's a pic of him and his new gf, taking a photo together in front of his mirror. he is kissing the top of her head w/ what looks to be loving gesture while she takes a photo of them. i know i know i have to stop looking at it, but i can't help but feel cheated and angry all at the same time. he never even 'showed me off' when we were dating like that. never showed me the consideration or was proud of the fact that i was his gf, on fb. granted it's fb so who cares as long as he had treated me well, but... i feel angry.

i feel angry that i celebrated his birthday w/ him, that i cooked him a nice meal, that i spoiled him w/ his favourite things on his birthday. i know i didn't have to do that, but i wanted to. i don't know if any of it was appreciated. i don't know if our dating history was even appreciated.
i feel like he took advantage of the fact that things were comfortable and i was willing to be this doting gf and he didn't appreciate it, especially right up to the end. i'm angry that he started dating someone new so soon after he broke up w/ me, that he declared on fb that he was already in a relationship w/ someone else. i'm angry b/c i think he had feelings for this girl while dating me. i'm angry that i wasted my time w/ him. i'm angry that i've let him hurt me. i'm angry that this still affects me. i'm angry that he said let's be friends and then negated on that promise. i don't care if that's what one says but never means it. i'm just angry. i feel used and discarded. i think i might hate him, which would be a lot easier to handle than to still pine after someone who didn't appreciate me enough.

i'm angry.

Friends

Why were you so adamant we be friends after and then say no sorry we can't...you selfish bastard. How about sticking to your promises or stop giving hopeful ones. You've hurt me. so... bad..you have no idea

I wish I was over you by now

..Maybe I'm not b/c I want those feelings that ihad w/ you to come back regardless of who it may be with...or maybe b/c I genuinely missed you.
You've made it clear you want nothing to do w/ me...not even friends, something YOU had said you wanted...you broke that promise and so now it feels like you broke up, rejected me twice and for whatever reason I can't seem to just forget it all...sigh fuck...

I want

To just kiss someone passionately and hard. Right...now...

Looking for...

NOT a 40 year old guy to date. Seriously, what was he thinking? It'd be like dating my bosses at work. Gross.

I miss him

I miss him. Will I find another who actually appreciates me?

Wish it was him

Saw a city waterworks truck by work, was hoping one of the crewmen was him. It was not...wanted a glimpse and to say hey. Guess I'm not fully over him and am very glad I don't have him on fb otherwise I'd be creeping on it all the time...urgh need to just forget him! Gah

What did make me feel better was when I told a guy friend why I had to bail on sunday, the day I found out he has a new gf and pronounced it to the world via fb (which, btw he never did w/ me), my friend was outraged for me. He said woha are you kidding me? Omg so awful. That's not cool, there's a certain amount of protocol to follow, not cool. So...in some small way that made me feel better that somehow I feel less bad how it all ended, that I was tragically crying in front of him when I found out. some of my pride got saved when my friend said that what he did wasn't cool. I mean, he broke up w/ me so ya he can do whatever he wants? But sure I'll take small comfort in knowing that what he didn't was up to the "bro standard"

Struggling

With forgetting about him. Obsessed much? Maybe. I think I'm just struggling w/ getting over him b/c I still have feelings and am attracted to him...and I keep thinking about him and his new gf and knowing how sweet and affectionate he can be I'm green w/ envy that she gets to be the recipient of his affections. I'm also sad it's not me. Get over I know, I want to, I just don't know how. I'm thinking I need a rebound, but apparently they're a bit hard to find.
Sigh. I miss him

this was sent to me

hi, im a single! im downtown
vancouver. how is your night
going? we should talk on webcams.

i am white, 5'11", 185 pounds,
blue eyes, brown hair.

Learn some english

Got this from a pof guy in my inbox:
"wanna chat it up or something and um wondering if u cud help me with chinese message thats if your comp translates it since mine doesnt"

Wtf?!? I was gonna reply back and say maybe you need help w/ your english first before attempting another language...idiot. I didn't, I did delete it though.

having a problem

w/ the whole self confidence issue. seeing him post "pretty :)" on another asian girl's photo...guts me. sure, he's said tons of times to my face he thinks i am pretty, but seeing him say it to another girl who is asian who is korean whom he probably wants to date... guts me. having a self-confidence issue b/c i don't feel very pretty right now, i don't feel very sexy. i just feel dejected and undesired and stupid and desperate and horrible. hope to feel better tomorrow.

Things I'd want to say to you

But am thinking there's no point b/c it won't do anything other than give me some sense of satisfaction of getting it all off my chest. But that's why there's my blog!

#1 - I know you've been busy, but if you still want to be friends w/ me you're gonna have to make some effort, schedule a time to meet up. B/c if I keep asking every time and keep getting rejected (for a legit reason) then it'll feed my insecurities of not being wanted...

#2 - I don't want to become one of your little asians in your list of "possibles." I would hope I hold greater significance than those randoms.

#3 - was it all a lie? All that affection you bestowed on me, was it a lit, were you faking it? If you didn't feel romantic feelings then what the heck was that? I guess I'm baffled and more...confused and hurt by that.

#4 - I wish you saw the value in me b/c you missed out. I wish you were more mature to appreciate it. I wish...things were different.

#5 - I don't care if you say you never wanted to hurt me or that telling me a month ago abt how you were feeling should've been a warning, that should alleviate the pain. Well it doesn't. And yes you did hurt me. Greatly. You left me confused and lost. You hurt me like I had been punched in the gut and left to die. So I hope you have a happy life and evetually find what you're looking for b/c apparently what I am was not.

Fml

Today's horoscope

From the daily Metro:

"Try not to be too pushy today. You could easily go over the top. If people seem to be avoiding you if could be because they are scared of you."

Oh good...so I scare ppl, that's just great. At least that's some definite sign that tells me I should not text him today. Let him come to me if he wants. I'm glad the Metro's reminding me to keep the crazy at bay, b/c I certainly need it.

you knew

you knew you'd break up w/ me... you let me have a happy wknd and when you broke up w/ me it felt like a truck ran over me.
even though i knew down the line a break up or something was going to happen, but i was holding out hope that you'd somehow see how awesome it is to be w/ me. apparently, you saw that, but it was still not enough. WTF.

no more

spent my saturday chasing him down via text and phone b/c he said we'd go to the driving range this wknd. though he also said it before i drunkenly declared that i wanted to have post break-up sex w/ him... um ya. anyway i have a feeling he was avoiding me today especially when he said ya ya i'll call you later after the ufc, we might go clubbing or whatever... well i never got that text, phone call etc. instead i stayed in saturday night hoping i'll get the word. fell asleep watching the office instead and now it's about 5am and i'm on fb. the other girl he met at the same time as me (but choose me) has been msging him on his fb wall. nothing bad, but i can't view that shit. i've deleted everything he's ever said to me on my fb wall and vice versa. deleted the photos off of fb. kept the more artsy ones on flickr. but i can't have that shit in my face reminding me of 'happy' memories only to have him break up w/ me 3 weeks later after. so i guess this is a good step in eradicating him from my life. ppl say i can't hang out w/ him it's no good. i believe them. so... ball's in his court if he really wants to hang out w/ him. i'm done pining after something that is not there. i deserve more than this. and i want to stop crying and feeling sad all the time. depression is a bitch.

glee quote

"Why does everybody think i'm angry all the time?! it's called being sasssssy, my schu!" - glee. love it.
and a line i should use when ppl say I sound angry! i'm NOT i'm just being sasssy and emphasizing syllables!

That song from the top gun bar scene

"I've lost that loving feeling..." You know the one, well HE (exbf) certainly did didn't he OR he THOUGHT he had it and it never really around... I'm AWESOME and it's YOUR lost!!

I'm single

Again. My bf dumped me monday night. Needless to say I cried all night long and the next day at work.
He's just not that into me, literally. Doesn't feel the same way abt me as I do for him, ohoh BUT he does think I am an "amazing" and awesome" gf, he feels super comfortable w/ me and has fun hanging out w/ me. So... We're doing what you call, let's be friends.

Tried that last night, had fun...until I ended up crying in front of him... Sigh. We'll see how long I last. REALLy trying to just forget it's all over and focus on being his friend, b/c I really would likto. I know, I should forget and take a break, but I can't just go cold turkey right now.

Fml