the awesome hilarity of me

i am a klutz. and i have 3 aches to prove it.

1. SMACKED my head against a wooden partition, while trying to get out of a japanese tatami room. stood up, bent down to walk out, and SMACK. like the whole room vibrated and everybody went OOOOO even the ppl outside were like OOOO snap. yes. it hurt. and still does

2. was in a drunken slumberous dream, when the alarm to my house went off in the middle of the night. whilst heart was beating frantically in my chest, yet still in my drunken slumber, i ran out of my room thinking to turn off the alarm in my parents room, but forgot, b/c i'm kind of sleep-walking, that my mum was in there, who came out of the room, who then scared the bejeesus out of me which made me slip on the carpet, where my feet, literally flew up from under me, and i landed smack on my right bum. and yes. that still hurts.

3. whilst helping my dad clean his brand new shoes, i was wiping some dirt off the front and in my vigor, my hand holding the shoe, snapped back and hit me on my cheek. hard. no that one doesn't hurt, at least not physically, but the humilation still stings.

i'd really like my right ass cheek to not hurt anymore.

and this all happened within a good 24 hrs of each other.

sadface.

a bit of a slow night...

and if you can't tell, the past series of posts have been posted quite closely together. b/c i'm sitting at home on a friday night on my computer. blogging. and reading other ppl's blogs. venting... b/c this is at least a reliable place to vent whereas the human reliability i.e. friends, just aren't there enough. maybe it's my fault for not always reaching out, but again, it's a 2 way street...

was kind of offended

by the mexican at lunch. like seriously, you're ALL drooling and making guy comments about the waitress with her breasts spilling out (they were quite nice real, breasts. my jaw dropped as well), and yet when i make add a douchey comment that included with me looking down my own shirt pretending i had similar cleavage, he goes "oh please, helen" as if he's all ashamed/embarassed etc. listen, you little mexican perv, if you can't handle the heat, then don't sit there and drool over it! hyprocrite!

camera whores

some ppl are just camera whores. i won't lie, i too can be one as well. but i admit it and i know it's b/c i'm playing into my superficial realm, but also... i like to be reminded that i was at one point photogenic in life. at least i hope i am. you can probably add disillusional to the mix of the other things that are possibly kookoo with me.

trying to be your friend

so at least make the energy to provide more details of what you've been up to rather than one word answers.

it's exhausting holding up one end of a friendship. i'd like to take a break and be pursued for my friendship and/or romantic relationship, please.

i think i keep pushing and chasing b/c i care too damn much. or maybe b/c i'm constantly seeking the approval of others to validate myself and if i can continually maintain friendships that may seem one sided, then at least i won't feel so alone or so much of a loser... i think that's more likely.
fixing this syndrome is a lot harder than one thinks. it means having the confidence of going about, doing my own things without feeling uncomfortable being solo.

a reminder

to only be so lucky to have someone write this in memory of me.
reblogged from shirls

Useless popo

Why the F are there police at the skytrain station. It's the one that dt office ppl get off at. You're just standing there, hands at your belt like you're some big shit. How about you go take your useless ass and do something useful like cleaning up the east dt side and solving some homocides. Fuckers.

Ya bitter me is back for a bit...

little bitch

"description totally was sucking my ball eye out. paragraphs anybody?"
a message from some dude from online dating.

my reply:
"if you're going to be a little bitch, at least write your messages properly, b/c what's your 'ball eye out'? i think you meant 'eye ball out.'"

don't fuck with me right now. b/c i'm teary, tired, and will bring out all guns if you mess with me.

Bollocks

I ended it. It's over. The switch in my brain said you can't continue going this way. To keep giving everything and still not getting anywhere closer, even though realistically, he was doing what's real. Arm's length. B/c in 3 months he's gone. So really what is this business? Except to just be casual and this is case #2 where I've deluded myself into thinking I can change the outcome even for a temporary 2 months. But I can't. And so I ended it. And so now I'm crying and bawling. B/c I care too fuckin' much. I'll be fine in 48 hrs and will bounce back w/ vigor.

Cute

"to say hi or not to say hi that is the question.. soo finally im saying hello after checking out your profile like twice.. and chickening out because i wouldnt know what to say.. its like when your out with your friends and you see this cute girl and then you like stare at her and then she smiles at you and you like almost fall over a chair ya that smooth.. so hi n hope to talk to you.. soo cute girl with the sweet smile...
jw.."

Cute msg right? Albeit some grammatical errors, but who am I to judge?

A msg from a cute looking white guy (judging from one one photo) from the online dating site.

No, I'm not so over Guy moving to Yukon, but I do log in every once in awhile to keep my profile around. Plus, I don't want to have to redo my profile when it's time to look again for real.

Sigh, I wonder what Guy's gonna do w/ me, if he'll end it now or later.

I did get some good advice that now is the time for me to be selfish, to focus on my enjoyment, and not to fall any deeper... I think I can manage points 1 and 2, but I already know 3 will be hard and I will be sad. Just a matter of when.

Mix feelings

Boy leaves for the yukon april 1st. Excited for him for his opportunity. Sad and mopey for me b/c this isn't gonna last nor stay permanent. Standing in the stairwall with sad pushing thru my eyes. I will get over this, but for the next few hrs this is gonna hurt. I'm so glad I have the bottle of wine left in the fridge.

Spanx

Have you ever heard of spanx? Google it. I'm wearing a pair of spanx hoisery. I think it's working a little too well b/c my ass feels like it's been vacuum sucked. Not so comfy.

roadblock

"mum, which roadblock would you want to do? mud volleyball or sling shot?" - me

"mmmm, mud volleyball! b/c my arm's not very strong for the sling shot" - mum

right... okay and b/c you're SO much stronger with your great heaping height of 5'0 for mud volleyball, where you'd sink into the bog waist high... right okay. we'd so lose. we like to think what roadblock we'd do if we were partners on the amazing race. apparently, she WOULD slide down a 4 story slide in dubai. prove it!

Over slept

Is that one word or two? Overslept. ... Mhh one word as per my blackberry spell check.

You know what happens when you drink a glass of wine before you go to sleep? You oversleep by an hour over your alarm and wake up in a semi-panic mode.
The glass of wine was intended to help me go to sleep. It certainly did that!
Unlike the night of saturday where I woke up every hour to pee or b/c my lover's bed was too hot (yes, he's now called lover b/c I don't think he is called my bf yet. At least I don't think he's given me that right yet, and saying "guy I'm seeing" seems too contrite and loing to say), last night I slept a straight 8 hrs. Guess I can't complain.

Lush

I finished a bottle of wine to myself last night. Though to my defense, I did have water and cheese and crackers as well...
How does that make it better? Well it sure didn't give me a pounding headache this morning. Just a tiny one. But I blame it on the rushing around trying to get to work this morning. B/c I was late. B/c I slept thru my alarm. B/c I drank a bottle of wine last night. Oh god I'm a lush.

Compensating

Anybdoy who has the words "hot" in their online dating name i.e. "Asianhotguy" is probably compensating for the fact that you're not hot. Have a small package. Have some creativity and at least call yourself self-centeredsmallweiner. I'd at least respect you for that.

Freaky

You know what's freaky? When someone you know msgs you on a pseudo anonymous online dating site!!! Especially someone you didn't want to really keep in contact!

Gone just like that

My director quit. No notice. No forewarning. Even the ppl closest to him had no idea. Everybody's flabbergasted. My body couldn't sustain the shock of the news, so big fat tears leaked out of my eyes.

He had said in the past that if he felt the company couldn't grow anymore or have no future he'd leave.

Fml.

I hope that isn't the reason why he's disappeared so suddenly.