i'm an internalizing fool

so i guess i tend to internalize a lot of things, but i think that's also a symptom of being a girl. i tend to just bottle stuff up or pretend i'm tough and brush stuff off, but really i'm a big fluffy softie, that once in awhile whatever i had bottled up, pretending it doesn't bother me, will just explode from my eyes in the form of tears, which may then appear as though i'm crying for no reason.

case in point, tonight, at tennis. my serve basically disappeared during the summer, my regular coaches were not there and i just lost it, muscle memory gone, now left with a crapola of what the hell am i doing serve. so tonight, after hearing one too many no, what are you doing, you know how to serve comments, my mentality just shut down and beat me up. then i cried. then i had to get one of those you don't suck talkings from the coach, and then was embarassed b/c crying in public for no apparant reason is just horrible. tragic. swollow me in a ground mortified.

what a night.

Crazy me

Did I tell you I met the guy from the online dating site? Anyway, long story short, finally met up w/ guy, let's call him facial hair, for a drink late one night and I think we had hit it off. He seemed pleasanty surprised that I'm no pyscho, as was I. He even texted to say he really wants to meet up w/ me again as an hour was not enough.



Anyway, after much texting back and forth, b/c that's the new way of communicating these days, long gone are the days of voice, I find out he had a date last night. He had bought a charity date for autism (ok, so he's a do-gooder), and me being the dumbass that I am, I had set myself up for disappointment by asking if she's even hot as he said oh I'm sure it'll be awkward etc, but that ya she's hot.



He had said he would call me last night after this date. He did not. I bet you it's b/c he fucked her.



I've turned into the crazy from 'he's just not that into you' except I think he really is into me, I just wish things would move more quickly b/c at this rate, I won't be able to tell if he's a good kisser until November.

friday night

i had a really, really ... good... friday night.

All the same

So a guy msged me on the online dating site and he attached his pics, except half of them consist of 2 other asian guys. Is it so bad that I can't tell which one is him even when there's a pic of just him posted??

That's bad right?

junk in the trunk

how do i know i've added more junk? b/c my previous sizing at H&M does not fit me anymore. and things that use to look good, now don't really. instead of lambchop, i think i am a porkchop now.

self deprecating at it's best right now...

eat itself

i'm really hungry right now. well my belly is grumbling. i didn't have any dinner b/c i had such a full dimsum lunch and gelato at 4 that i didn't want to eat before tennis.

belly is grumbling. i'm not going to feed it though. it's too late in the night. i hope it eats its own fat content. could sure lose some weight.

oysters

did you know oysters are an aphrodisiac and can make you super horny? i didn't know that. i got told that by my austrian wannabe lover (wannabe probably more so, or more desperate on my side than his) the day after we went for oysters.

combination of rejection + no opportunity for great awesome sex is really putting a damper on this ol' 25 yr old soul.

rejection

okay so there are only so many 'nos' i can handle in life. irregardless if the person is busy or not, no's from guys i haven't met, no's from acquaintances i'm trying to re-acquaint, no's from best girlfriends...
ppl are busy. i understand. but seriously. can't even get anything going for the weekend. sometimes i wish i could go back to the ways pre-going out. b/c now that i've realized how much more fun it is to go out and do stuff, rather than mulling at home, i've been feeling deprived when there's no one to hang out with.
why can't i just do stuff on my own? b/c. i, by myself am boring, and i can't think of anything i'd do on my own that would provide enough entertainment to make me feel happy.

i've been told to stop seeking out the quick bursts of happy just to feel satisfied for a short amount of time and to find out what really makes me happy by myself, that would sustain me for a long time. well... what makes me happy by myself is finding ppl to hang out with. being in other ppl's company. being rejected, i don't care if ppl already had plans, x 10 is crappy no matter what the situation is.

pounced

so, i wouldn't say i got 'pounced' on by a guy, but it sure felt like it as it was unexpected... okay so it was 1am and i was dressed post clubbing bday night, but i also went over b/c it seemed like the only time to hang out with a friend. a friend who never showed interest before, never initiated times to hang out and watch movies, all done by me btw, and hadn't spoken to him in a month.

so... feeling more like a convenient tool for the horny, quiet type. and more baffled and confused than ever by guys. thought i had them figured out!

back to paris?!

last year was jeff koons who allowed me to survive the tight, claustrophobic corriders of versailles. don't get me wrong, versailles IS beautiful, but when it's hot, stuffy, and you're being corraled like cattle thru a throng of tourist groups, versailles is not that enjoyable.

this year it's murakami's turn. time for another trip back to paris?!

how rude

the latest random message from the online dating site:
"how come of the three asian girls iv dated none of them shaved there chachas until i told them too?"

how... rude... was thinking of replying back with something scathing like, "how come out of all the white guys i've dated, their penis' are usually pretty small, why is that?! mmhhh?" but no. i did not, i just blocked the user as any normal person would have...

The sadness of a break up

When someone says, "she is too broken"

Just tragic. Absolutely tragic.

what the ffuck

just in, on my online dating inbox

"according to the chinese faciology, you are a smart,witty, and a passionate person, I will be straight forward, you enjoy sex!

Do you why I said that?

PEOPLE WITH THICKER LIPS MEANS THEY ARE PASSIONATE PEOPLE

UPPER LIPS MEANS THEY ARE INTO LOVE AND ROMANCE

LOWER LIPS MEANS THEY ARE INTO THE PHYSICAL SIDE.

FUNNY?"


... um WTFFFF and this guy is REAL he has a pic and profile and everything. seriously... THESE are the types of guys that are out there!!!!
like is this for realz?!?!

the funny thing is, he isn't wrong... i DO enjoy IT... but only with the right one!

OH SNAP

asian boy found me on online dating site and messaged me! scared/freaked me out so much i quickly had to close the browser as if that'll solve anything. worse thing is that the recipient knows when i've read their msg or when i've deleted it!!!

best part, i had signed up after i told him i didn't really know what i wanted and if i wanted to be in a relationship and here i am on an online dating site...

okok, whatever, it's my life i can do whatever i want... except my description now has that thing about asians and guys who are tall and he is 5'6 and chinese.... FMLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL x 10

Best thing that's happened to me today

I got a seat on the canada line coming home from work!!

Seriously. That's how busy this line is...ridonkulous.

no chinese here

"Hi, I'm Dave...

So I was typing a message to you, and as I was looking at your profile for material, I found out you have no interest for Chinese guys. Felt like a door slammed in the face. I thought you looked sort of honger for a second. My mistake...Good Luck =)"

i guess i was too harsh in my description??

i still think it's better to be honest than to waste time, no?

Jackass moment

One thing I promised myself not to do is to cry at work. Especially in a company dominated by men who would just assume I'm crying or acting this way b/c I'm pmsing...and they would be absolutely right. I basically snapped at another type A personality and then was told that though I do great work and am awesome I cannot throw tantrums. Wtf. I didn't throw a tantrum, I was reacting to someone giving me the "T" with their hands (like the time out sign) and ok ya I guess I kind of blew up and went totally unprofessional. Anyway, I really was in the wrong and tho make things worse I burst out crying. Jackass.
Had to sneak to the bathroom w/ my laptop, balanced it on the top of the toilet roll and typed out my woes to my friend in london...
Pathetic. I seriously am blaming it on the pms.

asian finance

there's a finance guy on this online dating site who seems to be more interested in the industry of what i work in than myself.

he's a finance guy who's also chinese. i like one part of that description, guess which one it is? it isn't chinese btw.

secret facebook status update

currently replying back to online dating inbox messages.

secret, which is why i'm announcing it on this blog! hah

dear boy with gf

why are you text-flirting me? you know it's true. if your gf saw this text history she'd ask wtf. hell, i would. so... what are you doing. and what am IIII doing? sigh.... no harm no foul, except the only harm is mental and that's my mental breakdown with everything that's been going on.

under appreciated

so, in my head, i feel unappreciated, even though i've offered the same if not similar gestures, but was refused. i'm the sounding board to his ridiculous man-whore or potential man-whore stories. i am the person who understands the superficial side of him, also b/c anybody else may judge, and i certainly am the last person to judge anyone. i am the person who is always the first to step up and make sure they're taken care of. so... when i keep hearing about how the ex-gf this and that and how she surprised you with cake even though i asked you if you wanted any, sometimes, really, i can't help but feel a little under appreciated. i mean, when i have friends, i am loyal, they are my everything, but how much of what i am putting myself out there is b/c of friendship or b/c of yearning for something that will never happen?

i'm going to guess 60-40 and the 60 being the one that's emotionally breaking me.

mail order bride

this is one i've received in to day's online dating inbox:

"Is this the mail order bride site? if so how does this work? Do we meet in canada or do we meet in china? Do we have to get married or can we stay common law? When I buy a car, I get to test drive it, does your firm offer the same service? do I get a 1 month money back garantee? I would like to know"

and that's ALL the message says. subject line is "info" obviously this is spam, but still... after the 10 msgs i've received, still nothing really... this online dating thing seems to be validating my existence more so rather than me searching for someone to date! oh well, whatever floats my boat right? it's just that, why can't a good looking boat come and float it?!

Shut up

Must keep thinking, "he's mentally challenged... He's mentally challenged..." Lest I yell shut the fuck up...

no asians

would it be so bad if i wrote 'no asians reply' on my online dating profile? that's right... i've signed up for an online dating site. i'm. just. not. attracted (as in 'passionately' attracted) to asians usually, mainly 99% of the time and the only ones responding thus far (albeing it's been 48 hrs of account creation) are dorky asians or just dorks in general. I"M A DORK. i CAN'T DATE NO DORK. DORK + DORK = MORON!

Sucks

The new transit system w/ the canada line licks balls. is it so difficult to at least provide a bus service that runs on time and more frequently? Especially since you took away the original direct bus routes? Muppets...

Too distracting

So I got pulled into HOUR's office yesterday b/c someone had said they were too distracted by the way I dressed. Apparently, I was bouncing on the yoga ball and had I flipped back or fell over he would've seen my granny panty boyshorts (well that last bit wasn't said like that, but the intention of a crotch flash was implied). No personal vendetta, he totally thinks I'm a good girl, I'm cute or whatever, but apparently the way I was dressed that day (or any other day? Not sure) I was too much of a distraction...enough so that he felt he had to go to HOUR and not to me. And the reason he couldn't come to me was b/c he wouldn't even know what to say or how to even describe what I was wearing to tell me.

Wooow talk about being like blind sided. Nonetheless HOUR wasn't sure how to tell me either b/c they think I am fine, but b/c someone came to them they felt they had to tell me. No consequences or anything, more of bafflement and surprise.

I had been having a stressful work week and I wasn't upset by this, but I still burst out crying, perpetual tears leaking out from my eyes, looking like a total fool. The intention was never to make me cry or punish me or anything, but I still couldn't stop crying.

Ok tears over so...Like what the hell?! I dress fine! Maybe what's more inappropriate or distracting was that I was bouncing on the ball so vigorously. NOT the way I dressed! Humph

privilege

you know what's a privilege? being able to fart. seriously. wait until you have over 48 hrs of not being able to and you're doubled over with belly pain and/or look pregos, then tell me if it's not a privilege.

this is why you rock

kind of pissed

i'm kind of pissed at one of my girlfriend's. i had been trying to get a hold of her since i got back from vacation, which was around the end of july, but a lot of personal stuff had been happening to her every week. granted it's not really her fault, but then when i tried week after week, texting, calling, and fb msging her about stuff, she's sooo laggy about response or doesn't even reply that it makes me feel... well quite honestly, pissed. like what the hell. i don't care if you're busy. EVERYBODY's busy! being "busy" is an excuse, doesn't mean anything, neglible in life b/c if you really wanted to hang out you'd actually shuffle the so-called importance of your life to fit me in.

i. obviously do not count as part of that priority list. i really should not care b/c fine, whatever, but honestly... i'm kind of pissed more that she doesn't seem to care. i think that is what bothers me the most.

so now we're chatting and trying figure out a date, she's free for the next 4 days, so i chose thursday, oh but lo and behold she might be busy as she might have to go celebrate someone's engagement... an engagement she doesn't even feel strongly about and she couldn't even reply back to me (on facebook which i know she has access and doesn't have stupid phone problems) about if she was free this weekend to even spend some time with me for my birthday.

is it too much to ask key pl in my life to spend a little time to be with me on my birthday? i turned 25. supposedly, that's suppose to be a big deal. apparently not. it just means i'm half way from being young and stupid to supposedly wiser and accomplished. so, i guess that means i'm still young and stupid with far reaching hopes of being accomplished and smart.

UPDATE: okay so ti's a day later since the above post and actually i did calm down after 30 mins and it was fine... but boy was i ever livid!!

emotional breakdown

is what happens when it's 5am and i watch girls throw themselves at HIM and i have no way of getting home b/c my car is at his locked parkade. slightly torturous i'd say.

"why are you crying?? tell me what's wrong!!"

no words can come out except maybe the reality is oh shit i've fallen for something bad... which i knew. but now i REALLY have to get over it. end of the long weekend indicates time for school, time for new changes, and time to grow up.

time. to. grow. up. and move on!

bday beats

it was my birthday yesterday. i went partying. i woke up with a bruise on my lower hip...no idea how i got it. just glad i got home okay!

Random

So after a night of dancing I'm sitting in a million dollar penthouse waiting for my friend to finish.
Finish what? Finish fucking, finish talking just to bloody finish.
I'm sitting at this obscure dining room table just waiting.
My car is in his locked parkade. My stuff is in his locked apartment.
Happy f'ing birthday to me.

Big girl status

I'm 25. Time to go get my ears pierced for the very first time.

UPDATE - i chickened out at last minute, can't go thru with it!

what to do

what to do about the asian boy. do i continue this pursuit or kind of slowly drop it? do i hope there eventually WILL be sparks when we kiss? that's a big hope eh... at this very moment, at 724am, i feel kind of meh and don't want to try anymore. now...how do i wean him off of me?! b/c apparently he 'really likes hanging out with me' my response? mhh ya me too... what am i suppose to say?! um no it's just okay?! not suppose to BE that blunt! but maybe that's required?

About to be 25

I'm about to be 25 in 2 days. There's nothing really monumentus about this. It IS just another year where I get older and supposedly turn another year smarter, but right now, sitting on the bus to work, I find myself inadvertently thinking back to 24 and all that has happened this past year.

I got laid off from work.
I had the biggest and tiring interviews of my life.
I almost changed my life entirely by thinking of moving to San Francisco.
I went to Europe on my own, well I flew out on my own, and had a fab time with wonderful friends. It was definitely a life/style changing 3 weeks that I think reflected when I got home.
I thought I had an tumor in the most inoperable and awkward location of my body and was going to die.

And now?
I am alive.
I have a job.
I've already been to Europe, again, this year.
And I have another year with my parents.

So...life.is.good.

dear ex-bf

you shall rename nameless, although i'm sure you know it's YOU and others who know YOU will know it's YOU, nonetheless... YOU'VE MADE ME DAY x 10. for realz. fo shizzle nizzle realz.

thank you for the tough love and awesome words. you're truely the best and you always seem to know when and what to say when i really, really need it.

DANKEEEEEEE mille grazie.

PS - i will now email you to thank you properly. just thought you deserved a wicked shout out cause you're the best.

i love you marc jacobs

and louis vuitton. absolutely ADORING the new fall 2009 ready to wear line. the texture, shape, and pattern so unique and different.

bunny ears! genius, quirky, yet beautiful all at the same time.

could IIII pull off bunny ears? sadly not, i can't even pull of the flower headband that was trending this summer. i'll stick with my regular ears. boring.

online dating

would you judge me if i created a profile on an online dating site like plenty of fish?

i'm curious, but not committed enough that i think i would follow thru if anybody ever contacted me... and my curiosity is only pique b/c my friend's been on a date with a hot girl and is going on another tomorrow night. he's so excited he deliberatly is not planning a specific date to hang out with me for my birthday b/c he might get some hot euro pussy action on the weekend.

and i... can't just say fuck him and forget about him, b/c i seem to do everything to want to hang out with him, to reprioritize whatever i have just so i can spend some time with him! yes HIM. the same one.

i'm being shuffled down on the priority list for hot euro pussy.

heck, i think i'd do the same if the hottest person i've ever met might be a potential mate.

5 days and counting

my birthday's in 5 days.

i turn 25. whoopiedoo.

i feel. whoopiedoo. in the most sarcastic fashion.

i don't think i have enough maturity to make myself change how i feel and become less facetious. unfortunately, i'm one of those ppl who feel either very high with happiness or really low with bitchiness.

guess which state i'm in now?

... then again i did have to take 2 birth control pills last night b/c i totally missed a day... let's blame today's mood on too much estrogen.

point: too much women can kill you. men watch out.

disappointment

in the weather
in my friends
in my life

point blank.

yes... i'm back in a humbug phase. must wallow and curl up to read my latest romance novel. those usually cure me

Ew

My coworker has his feet propped up on his desk. Sans shoes. Ewww. No decorum