feeling a little masochistic

not like to the extremes or anything to really be worried or to report about, but just... urgh ok story time, well let me back track.

so i think, as my friend says i am, that i. do. love. him. woha is right. how much love? i don't know, but here are my symptoms and you can decide:

-i'll drop whatever i'm doing to go hang out with him
-when we're doing it (and it's not b/c we're 'together,' but b/c well for me b/c i am sexually attracted to him and he makes my blood run hot, for him, not sure if it's b/c he's genuinely all that into it, or if it's b/c it's been so long it's almost like 'what we do') i love the feel of everything
-i hang on to his every word
-i get excited when i know i'm going to go see him even if it's only for 30 seconds
-i get a strange feeling, some might call it jealousy, when he talks about other girls
-when he's sad, i'm sad, when he's happy, i'm happy. though this last one is an attribute to all my friends

anyway, she thinks i am in love with him. i think i'm ... something... but right now i just feel a little masochistic and sick to my stomach as i found out tonight about some hot date he was just on.

that it was an almost completely blind date, that she is hot, that is euro (oh how i love the euro i can't hate her for that), that she is slightly taller than me, built, lean, is EURO and is HOT. 2 things on his ever, always wanted wish list. and how when he talks about his date tonight he's using his deep, husky voice that really means he's in 'that' mood. it's his sex voice. and using his sex voice while talking to me on the phone while talking about his super hot date (who btw is 'the most attractive persn' he's ever talked to... awesome, justpure so not freakin' awesome for my insecurities and 'heart'), i get all...needy in that i want him way. WHILE he's talking about this hot girl. how masochistic can i get?

and yet, i can't do anything, but to urge him on as if, every little bit of everything he says will tie me closer to him. that he feels he can tell me these things, which makes me some sort of confidante.

yet. i still. want. him.

fmylife f. my. life.

how do i get over him and steel myself to continue listening to his escapades?

supposedly tomorrow, when he casually texts her (he really wants to say let's fuck, but it's too soon to do that...) about when she wants to hang out again, will be a telling sign of whether this hot euro is really interested or not.

great. i'm going to get a text from him with the exciting news.

again, i can't not know, b/c i don't want to be cut out of anything. i must be privy to all! i know i'm crazy, i sound crazy, i feel... tormented.

so. resolution. MUST resolve to feel platonic, must not use him as a yardstick to any other guy. must... stop desiring him as it's making me crazy, in every single way.

sadface.