quite a blunder

so after a few days of treating a zit that was growing underneath the skin (those annoying zits), on my forehead, but nothing visually showing up, i realized that the zit pain i was feeling was really a bruise from when i hit my forehead with my tennis racquet, when i was doing a one handed forehand (whipped up for top spin ).

at the time of the hit, i felt more stupid and didn't think anything of it.

my frame is made out of metal. i'm just lucky i didn't knock myself out cold.

What really matters in life

My mum is crowing with joy b/c she got a free flu shot that's worth $150 (my dr's cool like that).
I made myself happy by spending $150 at sephora, apple, and la senza. All of which won't cure me from illness, but will make me look, feel, and act sexy.

how small is too small?

so, now that my resolution is to think more platonically, maybe i should focus my efforts on the asian who i think is interested in me.

so i ask you. if you went from ... maximum ... to now what one might guess as regular or maybe, and not by fault of him, but fault of genetics and race, even slightly smaller than regular... not that i can confirm this AT ALL, but it's just by my estimate that it could quite be a downgrade.

i know. that is AWFUL for me to say, but i like IT and i like it good. so with this, i've resolved to get to know the personality so ANYTHING else or little else, can be overlooked. it has to be. i can't be THAT shallow. but i guess i really am!?

i think i should go to sleep. maybe my crazy thoughts will disappear into weird dreams instead.

still feeling masochistic and sad, but i'm sure, i have to, get over this.

feeling a little masochistic

not like to the extremes or anything to really be worried or to report about, but just... urgh ok story time, well let me back track.

so i think, as my friend says i am, that i. do. love. him. woha is right. how much love? i don't know, but here are my symptoms and you can decide:

-i'll drop whatever i'm doing to go hang out with him
-when we're doing it (and it's not b/c we're 'together,' but b/c well for me b/c i am sexually attracted to him and he makes my blood run hot, for him, not sure if it's b/c he's genuinely all that into it, or if it's b/c it's been so long it's almost like 'what we do') i love the feel of everything
-i hang on to his every word
-i get excited when i know i'm going to go see him even if it's only for 30 seconds
-i get a strange feeling, some might call it jealousy, when he talks about other girls
-when he's sad, i'm sad, when he's happy, i'm happy. though this last one is an attribute to all my friends

anyway, she thinks i am in love with him. i think i'm ... something... but right now i just feel a little masochistic and sick to my stomach as i found out tonight about some hot date he was just on.

that it was an almost completely blind date, that she is hot, that is euro (oh how i love the euro i can't hate her for that), that she is slightly taller than me, built, lean, is EURO and is HOT. 2 things on his ever, always wanted wish list. and how when he talks about his date tonight he's using his deep, husky voice that really means he's in 'that' mood. it's his sex voice. and using his sex voice while talking to me on the phone while talking about his super hot date (who btw is 'the most attractive persn' he's ever talked to... awesome, justpure so not freakin' awesome for my insecurities and 'heart'), i get all...needy in that i want him way. WHILE he's talking about this hot girl. how masochistic can i get?

and yet, i can't do anything, but to urge him on as if, every little bit of everything he says will tie me closer to him. that he feels he can tell me these things, which makes me some sort of confidante.

yet. i still. want. him.

fmylife f. my. life.

how do i get over him and steel myself to continue listening to his escapades?

supposedly tomorrow, when he casually texts her (he really wants to say let's fuck, but it's too soon to do that...) about when she wants to hang out again, will be a telling sign of whether this hot euro is really interested or not.

great. i'm going to get a text from him with the exciting news.

again, i can't not know, b/c i don't want to be cut out of anything. i must be privy to all! i know i'm crazy, i sound crazy, i feel... tormented.

so. resolution. MUST resolve to feel platonic, must not use him as a yardstick to any other guy. must... stop desiring him as it's making me crazy, in every single way.

sadface.

Bozo the clown

Why? B/c my nose is red. Why? B/c I spent all day and I mean 9 hours outside sunday playing softball. Why? Year end tourny? No sunscreen? Why? B/c I was still too drunk bordering on hung over in the morning to remember to grab my suncreen. Why? B/c I drank twice my limit. Why? The bartender kept pouring doubles.
Which then equated to my throwing up, I THINK by a fence near frites.
So kids, lesson learn is know when to stop drinking.
B/c you might end up with a slightly sun burnt nose and forehead.

Stop staring

I don't know if it's just all in my head or if I'm just a total neurotic, but I hate it when ppl stare at me.

That sounds so arrogant and egotistical, but I do feel as though sometimes ppl, or pervs, stare. Blatantly. As they walk by or whatever. It's disgusting and makes me uncomfortable. I just want to say "what the hell are you staring at?" But then that just might make me sound crazy and they could totally not be staring at me.

I sound crazy.

And it's not like my boobs are hanging out or my bum is showing. I mean I'm not crazy covered up, I have legs that I've worked at toning and there maybe the top of my chest, but it does not give the permission to blatantly stare!
Weirdos...

Overwhelmed and anxious

It's only tuesday and I am already wishing the week is over except the light at the end of the tunnel is the morning shift at the bank, so...really there's no light... It's just abysmal hole.

Work is stressful and difficult, but only b/c I think I'm a total idiot and can't comprehend anything technical and it's a painful process to 'ask the right questions' that I'm at the point of is this what it's going to be like for the another 6 months...daily grind of feeling frustrated and not getting the answers I require.

Bleh.

What's that?

Ballet teacher - "what's that?"

Me - "my belly"

:(

Blue poo

Did you know if you eat too many blueberries at a time it will turn your poo a blue/green?!

Or maybe something is wrong with my digestive track, but I've never seen it like that!!
:( sadface

krump

um... my mum just tried to krump... we're watching so you think you can dance canada.

she also scolded at the tv, when we watched flashpoint, to just get in there and take them down with their guns.

this is my mum!?

blueberries

i googled "is it okay to eat lots of blueberries?" as i'm feeling a uber bloated and it actually really hurts now. i thought blueberries are suppose to be awesome?!

my answer:
"??

Uh, NO. As a matter of fact, it would be great for you if you could eat a container a day!

Berries are FULL of cancer-fighting agents.

If you are not used to eating berries, you might want to eat half today, half tomorrow - there is a small chance you might experience some digestive difficulties. It's not very likely - but you might get the runs."

thanks yahooanswers

THE RUNNSSSS?! i guess i'm happy it's only bloatation right now. and for a matter of fact i only ate half a big cereal bowl of blueberries... clearly my body is not use to the good nutrition i'm feeding it.

or this could be a side effect from the bechamel sauce that was over my savory crepe from lunch today.... crap... not literally crap, just metaphorically...

Ballet

So based on my recent musings of how desperately alone and self deprecating I've been feeling, I've decided to take ballet. There's drop in intro-ballet at harbor dance and I thought... Why not. I've always wanted to. What's stopping me other than my own insecurities which is why I need to step it up and just do it. Do something that will let me escape from my own paranoid, repressed, crazy thoughts.

It takes just one look

Omg there are some good looking men in great summer business and business causual attire... It just takes one sweeping glance to eradicate the disgust of tshirt bums out there...well for about 5 mins and then it's back to seeing tshirt bums all around.

Not against tshirt bums, just prefer a fitted button shirt gent in hot shades.

put in my place

i know that my insecurities, worries, and general freak outs are usually very petty and are entirely self-controlled. however it doesn't change the fact that certain days for a few hours i will feel utterly depressed and down in the mouth thinking I’m being rejected from every relationship out there… it’s my own insecurities really. It’s… can I be myself comfortable vs how do I get myself out there to meet new people.

Well I got a well deserved kick in the butt from my friend, same one I tend to agonize over, but he said scolded me and said I have nothing to worry about (true, I’m not unemployed, I’m not in my late 20’s worry about the forevers with my partner, and I live at home) and that I need to figure out what I want. Either be comfortable getting a lot done being solor or make a major move to meet new people.

and I did feel better, kind of put some realization into my life. That my life is in my hands, I have control of it. I generally have this feeling of self assurance every so often and I’m comfortable with myself and what I do for a few weeks at a time, but every so often I have a mini-meltdown. Can I blame it on being in my mid-20’s and so I’m trying to ‘figure myself out’… I could, maybe it has some part of it? But really I have no one to blame but myself. so… I have to remember that. Only I, can change who or what I am and to make myself happy. Rely on thyself.

keeping it cool

in the recent hot and balmy days of the oppressing heat, it would be nice to see the gents out there look stylish while maintaining their cool. i'd rather see this
or this(via thesartorialist)
than the shirtless, gut hanging out there, barbarians who thinks it's okay to look like hairy shiny beasts just b/c it's suffocatingly hot.

hey man, i hate the heat just as the next person, but you don't see me prancing around barely there shorts and bra... as much as i'd like to b/c really this heat (or the heat that was here) made me feel like i was it's slave.

the italians just do it better

even in denim. and i hate denim

via thesartorialist!