revealing

the crazy's back. i dunno why, but i keep comparing myself to 'her' your 'her.' maybe comparing's not a good word, but i just get the feeling of wishing sometimes i wish i was her, and only b/c she gets to be by your side, whether by default or b/c it was meant to be. i know. i really shouldn't compare myself to ANYONE. i am my own person, i have my own unique qualities and things about me that make me 'special' and 'unique' and blha blah fluff crap and ppl can take me as i am or leave it. but... again, maybe it's b/c you two are a unit, whether it's in title and/or emotional, either way thru the ups and downs she gets to have you, metaphorically and literally. and... ya i won't lie, i'm envious, b/c often times i wish i could be that person instead. urgh i'm thinking about deleting this before even sending it to you b/c this is sooo revealing and potentially can like... make you not want to be friends with me, but for whatever reason, whether it's b/c you're thousands of miles away, it seems easier to say this now than in person and to your face when i feel awkward, hot and bothered, distracted. you distract me. distract me in a good way. don't say sorry, you haven't made my life tougher as you said in the previous mail. if anything sometimes i wonder if i make your life more difficult, but i can't not hang out with you, can't stop being friends. we have too much fun together and you understand the helen in her mid-20's more than any of my closest and long-standing gfs. you've been through the most life-upheval rollarcoaster ride of my life for the past year that i don't think anyone will ever understand how much you truely mean to me.

this is a msg that i was going to hit send... but ... i didn't. i couldn't. it's so... speaks more in words than what i've ever been able to say, despite the actions which may have already revealed their true nature... i just couldn't hit send. i don't want to change the dynamic of the friendship just so i could get a reaction out of him.