gutted

absolutely gutted.

i just found out that my regular mon, wed and sun night tennis lessons are on summer vacation until september.

i feel like i'm losing a part of me... well technically, i am, my serbian tennis alter ego, jelena.

is it also so bad to be freaking out so much b/c i've associated all my tennis playing with my recent weight lost and new body tone? and b/c now i'm losing my regular tennis play i'm scared to death i'm going to get 'fat'? ...

not that i had ever considered myself obese... but there was definitely a timewhen i thought i could do with a little less packaging...

sometimes i scare myself with how my mind attaches the idea that if i ever stop playing so much tennis i'll turn into the blob that i felt myself becoming, which means i can't ever stop playing, it's okay, i love tennis so much, but now there's this other mental reason of why i play. it's not healthy to think that way, but for some explicable reason i can't stop it.

well, i guess it's not like there's no tennis to be played, i did sign up for a tuesday thursday 630-830, but it just won't be the same! it's not with the same teacher, same time, and i'm playing 3 hrs less than i usually play in a week... not even the same language! i can't... lose myself the way i did, i'm just going to stay the same ol' boring weird me.